Category Archive

(Written in November) 

 This post has been painfully slow in coming.  I think I’ve been waiting to get some perspective.  Maybe I just don’t know where to begin.  Especially since my most recent posts (months ago!)  are so full of hope about making money using my artistic talent.

I live my life with absolute certainty that I will have very colorful chapters in my memoirs. 

Photo business plans are officially relegated to the back burner because I need an actual regular paycheck to keep us afloat.  (As if we were floating. We’ve been sinking slowly for a long long time.)  So, I started a full time job on October 22. 

At an egg farm.

When we moved from St. Paul’s notorious East Side to rural Minnesota five years ago, I went from full time working mom in the ’hood to stay at home mom in the country. Needless to say I experienced a bit of culture shock.  (Okay, I guess we still hear gunshots, but at least they’re not directed at people.)  Within the first five minutes of conversation you have with anyone you’re meeting for the first time out here, the subject of which church you attend comes up.  Our kids see cows every day on the bus ride to school.    It always takes the same amount of time to drive anywhere, no matter what time of day.  The only thing that will slow you down is a giant tractor, usually towing a trailer full of enormous round bales of something.

These aren’t judgments one way or another.  It’s just a very different lifestyle.  I knew that eventually I would go back to working, and I even guessed that it might be hard to find a job close to home.  I never guessed that I would be working as an administrative assistant at an egg farm.

My great grandparents and grandparents owned a hatchery.  I’m  suddenlyaware of the “come full circle”ness of the chicken/egg industry in my family’s history.  

And it’s actually a very good job.  I start work at 6 AM, which means that I get up and get ready to go before anyone else is awake and demanding anything.  The commute takes about 15 minutes.  I work in a newly remodeled office with windows, there’s a fridge stocked with pop and water, and my hours put me at home before my kids get off the bus.  The pay is decent and the benefits are great.   

I’ve resisted getting a full time job for all sorts of reasons, the biggest of which is that I’ve spent about thirteen years reconciling my role as a mother and I’ve finally gotten to a place where I actually really enjoyed my life.  Well, that and I’m scared that I’m not actually skilled enough to be useful out in the workforce.  Why do you think I chose to work part time as a lunch lady?  Maybe because it was such a ’safe’ and ‘easy’ job.

I’ve been making a huge, conscious effort in my spiritual life that is too big to describe using words.  And here I am, listing this as ‘number three’ as if it’s something separate from our financial crisis and my journey back into full-time employment.  It’s all hopelessly connected.

Today it actually seems possible that I could get a photo business going. 

The rhythm of daily life has been injected with a dose of school routine.  By 7:35 AM, my middle-school-aged kids were hauled away on the bus.  The amount of times I hear ”Can I play the computer?” or “Can I watch TV?”  each day will officially decline by 95%.

I’ve also spent the past few weeks getting back on my own version of the Flylady bandwagon.  I’m out to conquer CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) because I accepted a long time ago that it’s easier to be spontaneous and creative when the dishes are clean and the table is wiped and we have food to eat and clean clothes to wear.  I’m sorry if this sounds a little too Donna Reed, but this morning I cleaned the kitchen, planned dinner, started the laundry, and took the little ones outside to play while I knitted on the deck. 

A day’s worth of homemaking accomplished before noon.  And now we get to the exciting part!

While the little ones were down for quiet time I sat down and pulled out the business materials I began creating in 2001. 

I could barely wait for my slow internet connection to get me here fast enough to share the excitement I plan to build on.

I forgot how much I liked my logo:  

I forgot that I had built a skeleton of a web site using FrontPage.  Which sprouted from a tri-fold brochure complete with price lists and an artistic philosophy statement. The original fonts I used did not transfer, so I’ll have to do some tweaking on that and also look at prices and packages, now that I’m shooting in digital and won’t be offering custom black and white prints since my darkroom currently only exists in the form of dusty equipment sitting on a shelf. 

I have letterhead and business card designs.  I even have two silent auction certificates I had donated to my old high school which I can use as a starting point for coupons and ads and postcards.

Speaking of which, I am donating my time and graphic design skills for the PTA coupon book this fall, which means an opportunity to place a free coupon ad in the book coming out in November.  Last time around, I put in an ad for Cady Home Inspection, but perhaps this time I’ll put one in for Sarah Cady Photographic Art instead.   

This can’t even be described as a starting point.  It’s more like a diving board! 

The best part is feeling like this is all actually possible. 

Possible for me to run a well-organized household.

Possible for me to make money making pictures.

Possible for me to write a blog post even when quiet time is over and everyone wants a snack.

Possible. 

For the first time in twelve years of marriage, Sean is working normal hours:  Monday through Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM.  What a blessing for our family to have him home for supper every night!  He will be able to attend school meetings and programs!  People in the community might actually believe that I have a husband!  We will be like a normal family!

Okay, maybe that’s pushing it.

Besides, it throws a major wrench in our employment configuration.  Working opposite hours has been great for avoiding childcare costs.  I did some calling to price out part time daycare for our toddler and preschooler, and it turns out I’d basically be working to pay for daycare. 

So I’m hanging up the plastic apron. 

I had a hard time with it the first couple of days after I made the decision.  I’ll miss seeing the kids and drawing silly pictures on the menu board and telling cheesy food jokes.  I also liked being the staff guitar player and bringing home leftovers.  But I won’t miss the sweaty dishwashing or the repetitive complaining from my supervisor.

And I’m looking forward to being at home full time with my little ones again.  Yes, the hours are grueling and it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is definitely my comfort zone.  I’ve spent a bunch of years making peace with the job description.  It will also allow me to be home for the occasional business call for Cady Home Inspection and to perhaps pursue some portrait photography.

Hard to say what lies ahead.  Lots of shifting, that’s for sure. 

My close and wonderful friends M. and K. are about six weeks away from becoming a family of three.  Last week, they let me document their beautiful baby belly, and these are a few of my favorites from a session that took about two hours.  I had a fabulous time. It helped that they were patient and willing subjects.

It’s funny that I find it difficult to be verbal when I get into shooting.  I don’t know how photographers can be chatty or even just communicate clearly while directing a photo session.  My ability to speak coherently more or less evaporates when I’m in the photography zone.  Must be a right brain/left brain thing. 

The next day, M. called me with an idea and some encouragement.  He thought that other couples, such as the ones they know through a birthing class, might be interested in the same type of photo shoot.  He was willing to bring their photos along to their next class and give me a plug, but they do live 50+ miles away, so he encouraged me to think about advertising to couples going through classes at my local hospitals.  It was a welcome vote of confidence.

I’ve spent the last few days browsing the web for photographers that offer similar services, to get an idea of what they are providing, and for how much.

I am looking at photographers who offer “on location” services.  Most do the typical babies, children, and family, senior portraits.  A few I’ve looked at: Kari Layland Photography, Kristi Eckrich, As Seen By Eileen.  Interesting that I found Kari Layland because she volunteers her services for families with seriously ill children, and she did a photo session with a family I know who is battling leukemia.  What a wonderful way to give a gift (and build a portfolio!).

I’ve toed this line before.  I attempted to start a business in what I called “candid portraiture” about six years ago, when I was working for Herff Jones and had access to their lighting equipment and backdrops and a medium format camera.  The idea was to make pictures that are similar to the ones I make of my kids all the time.  Everyday moments, rather than formal posing.  Simply follow around kids and capture what they’re up to while they enjoy the comfort and nuances of their daily environment. 

The same things that held me back then hold me back now: laziness and self-doubt mixed ironically with an overinflated sense of artistic superiority.  

I also found that I deplore the follow up process of getting photos touched up and ordered and printed.  What if I offered a flat fee session and then handed over a disk and let them worry about altering their zits and getting prints made?  I suppose there’s more money to made on the altering and mark up of prints.  And that way, they will be high quality prints instead of Target prints.  I guess it would be the excuse to finally master Photoshop.

I’m ready to abandon the artistic superiority.  I can hardly keep that up when what I really need is to be making money to help support my family.  What’s really in question here is my commitment to overcome laziness and self-doubt.  

I think I need a cheering section to get me going.  Lots of people telling me that it’s a worthwhile effort, that I can make beautiful pictures that people will want.  I’ve always thrived on positive feedback and encouragement.

Anyone want to volunteer?

I did something stupid and now I look like an idiot to everyone at the school where I work.

I heard a rumor that one of the paraprofessionals (classroom assistant) was leaving her job. She and I get along very well and I felt comfortable calling her directly to find out if it was true.  I left a message with another member of her household.  (Just my name and number.) 

You should know that in a small town like this one, these para jobs are highly sought-after.  There aren’t a lot of good-paying, part-time jobs available in a town with a population of 1200. Para positions usually end up getting filled within hours of being vacated (which happens like once every twenty million years when someone retires or dies) so I wanted to be sure to get my name in right away, in case the rumor turned out to be true.

I decided to leave a note for the principal–acknowledging that it was only a rumor but stating that I would be interested in the position if it becomes available. I also asked a couple of teachers if they would give me a good reference.  They were all so encouraging and it felt warm and fuzzy to hear some praise.  I thought, “This is why it was a good idea to work summer school–so that I could be around to hear about an opportunity like this.”  And it felt so good to hear encouraging words that I couldn’t help but mention it (of course) to some other staff, who were also very encouraging.

You all know where this is going, right? 

Well, she called me back tonight, and you guessed it: the rumor wasn’t true. 

It’s like I’m living in a fable.  You know, the one where a rumor starts out being true and then gets twisted for dramatic effect.  I play the part of some foolish hen on the street.  Except, I not only come off looking foolish, but also like some sort of rumor-mongering would-be job-stealing blood-sucking hen.

Honestly, I don’t know if I want to go back to working in the kitchen. I loved working in a classroom this summer, and I had high hopes that it was a step in the right direction. 

As a para this summer, I especially enjoyed helping kids who are in danger of falling through the cracks.  Many of the students I worked with are just a cut above special ed.  They need extra help, but they don’t qualify for special services. 

And what a difference working with fabulously talented and pleasant teachers like Ms. G and Ms. H versus working with a direct supervisor who is a Complainer.  And a Repeater.  Did I mention that she repeats every detail of every complaint? And then she just has to repeat it, rephrasing it a bit but saying essentially the same thing.  And then she says it again because she just seems to have to fill the space with her complaints.

When I thought that a para position was opening up, I really felt like it was a gift from God. An answer to a prayer and an answer to the question:”What am I supposed to be doing?” I was even feeling peaceful about being passed over (at least that’s what I assume–no word, posting has disappeared) for the graphic designer position I interviewed for a few weeks ago. It was all making sense.

Now I just feel shitty.

For being a shitty little vampire hen.  For being unable–still–to start filling in the financial hole we’ve been digging for the past twelve years.  For being unhappy and ungrateful.  For setting myself up for disappointment.  For being arrogant enough to think that my prayer was going to be answered with the very thing I wanted. 

Sigh.

I think that I’m afraid of this post.  It’s been sitting here as a draft for almost two months.

Like if I say it out loud, I might actually be compelled to follow through on this one.  I’ve been browsing though programs at Augsburg, the U of M, and SCSU, considering going back to school to get myself a teaching license in K-12 art.

Initially, I thought I should do a Master’s while I’m at it, but I’m afraid that the cost in time and money is rather prohibitive.  It looks like I could manage just the license in a post-bacc degree in a year or two, doing weekend college at Augsburg.  I guess that’s where I’m leaning, but I still need to get more details on SCSU.  Geographically, it’s the closest school to me. 

The thing is, I always promised Sean that I wouldn’t go get another degree until my B.A. is paid off, which will be in about, uh, something like 15 years.  My teenager will be 28 by then.  Yes, I could be a grandmother before I’m finished paying for my education. 

In the meantime, I have a job interview tomorrow.  I will be frantically putting together a portfolio of graphic design work this afternoon in preparation.   A full time job could potentially derail my efforts toward more education.  It will certainly change our family dynamics, perhaps for the better as we will have two incomes and will actually be able to afford our house payment. 

Today I’m feeling pretty detached from the whole decision-making process.  Been praying that I end up where I’m supposed to be, which seems like something God is known for answering.  Even if it takes years for me to realize it.

I took a class over the weekend in “Fundamentals of School Food Service.”

The instructor was terrific. Starting out as a substitute dishwasher, she has gone on to become the president of the MN School Nutrition Association (SNA). I’ve taken several SNA classes and have gained a ton of respect for the complexities and impact of school meals. The SNA is a terrific organization that promotes professionalism and education among school food service workers.

I’ve flirted with he idea of taking this lunch lady thing up a few notches. Last summer I passed my ServSafe food handler license test with a 98%. It actually felt great to take a class (paid for by someone else!) and do well on a test.

I could do the rest of the schooling and stage a food service takeover in my school district.

The path is laid out for me; all I have to do is follow it. There’s nothing wrong with being a professional lunch lady. I like being the friendly one who tells jokes and shows up with a guitar at school programs. I’m good at understanding the big picture of menu planning and the nuances of regulations. I’m good at communicating ideas to others.

But there’s a nagging (LOUD) voice that says:

You’re SETTLING!

You’re BETTER than this!

You’re taking the EASY way!

You’re WASTING your TALENTS!

You could make more MONEY doing SOMETHING ELSE!

Consider how different these statements sound: 1.) I can write best-selling, award-winning children’s books.  2.) I can become the director of food service at a small rural school district in MN.

While ambitious and potentially very rewarding, number one sounds unrealistic to me. What the hell can I do to make a goal like number one even begin to happen? Maybe spend thousands of dollars and countless hours on an MFA? Stay broke for many more years and make my family sacrifice so that I can go off and be artistic? Organize and discipline myself to write and create and submit and get published? (Shut up, I know you’re laughing at me; you’ve seen my desk.)

Like it or not, number two sounds realistic. It’s a measurable goal with a clear path. I know that I could do it and I could be great and I bet I could even manage to make a positive difference along the way.

But the truth is that I still cringe inside when I tell people my job, especially people who know how hard I worked as a young wife and mother of two to earn my B.A.

At my core, I’d rather have big dreams that sound great.  The problem is that it’s too easy to make excuses for not accomplishing big goals.  So what’s my excuse for not taking on the smaller, more realistic ones?  

An overinflated sense of superiority? 

Why can’t I just get over myself already…