Category Archive

I’m suddenly

acutely 

aware

that I would rather be an artist

than an secretary.

My checking account argues:

just answer the fucking phone.

I can’t quite finish a post.  There’s too much pressure to say something brilliant since I’ve been so delinquent about my blog since September.  So here are all my drafts in whatever state I left them: 

I’ve been dreaming about houses.  

Two months ago, I dreamt that we were buying my supervisor’s house.  There were all sorts of problems in the dream because they weren’t leaving and wouldn’t take their stuff so that we could move in.  (The freaky part about that story is that he came into work the next day and announced that his house was on the market.)

Two weeks ago, I dreamt about a house for my sister and her family.  They are looking to move into a house this year.  I saw the entire layout, down to the furnace in the basement.  Built in the 1940’s–single story tudor with a bashed in garage door.

Two nights ago, I dreamt about a new (old) house for our family.  The backyard had a patio painted to look like a pond and every evening all the kids in the neighborhood went out to get free root beer floats.  There was a door to the backyard from the dining room.  We had a tractor. 

I can’t tell if I’m exploring elements of my psyche or if I’m just feeling trapped by my house and all the junk we have piled into it. 

When you see me at the grocery store, you never want to be stuck behind me in the checkout lane. 

Even though I grew up in the city, I always felt drawn to the country.   I remember visiting my great-grandparents’ farm (which is less than 10 miles from where I live now) and playing the old piano in the barn and being shown the trees that had been torn and twisted by a tornado. 

The day the farm went to auction my sisters and my cousin and I played all day in the field, building cornstalk forts and making up secret signals by tossing dried ears of corn into the air. 

I’ll never forget the sound of my footsteps and the sight of my breath in the cold air and the hot tears that sliced down my cheeks as I realized it would be my last time playing out in the field at grandma’s. I was probably eight years old.

Tonight I located a CD with a bunch of good old stuff to share.  Scans of the slides I made from a college show, essays, photos I took as I attempted to start a business in candid portraiture…  I will share more as we go along.

I know, I’ve been slacking on the posting and picture making.  Last week, we received the worst of news.

A close family member has been diagnosed with a serious and life-threatening illness.  As the shock wears off and I get more information about how this will affect my life in the months and years to come, I will figure out how to get back at my blog. For now, I need to excuse myself officially and temporarily.

I also need to decide just how much it’s appropriate to share in this venue.  I want to respect my family member’s privacy.  At the same time I can’t continue to post my cutesy little thoughts on life and gratitude and all that bullshit without acknowledging the spiritual, emotional earthquake that has just shaken up my world.

See you later.

Four little letters that describe me to a T.

“Warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. See life as full of possibilities. Make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. Want a lot of affirmation from others, and readily give appreciation and support. Spontaneous and flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency.”  Lifted from the Myers Briggs Foundation.

But in this affirming little summary, they didn’t mention one of the major pitfalls of this personality type: lack of organization.  No, here it’s described as “spontaneous” and “flexible.”  And yeah, it’s a good thing I can improvise because I certainly didn’t get organized enough to actually be prepared for whatever it is that I’m doing. 

When I interview for a regular working-in-an-office position I don’t get the job.  It’s because I can’t lie and tell them that I’m organized and detail-oriented.  It’s because my desk at home looks like this right now: 

Yes, that is a plastic fireman’s hat on the desk.  And a bath towel on the floor.

Oh I better find a statement to burn quick…  I can overcome this, right? 

And everyone remember that I’m an ENFP and I want lots of affirmation from others.  I promise I’ll readily give you appreciation and support.   

Sean has accepted a new job at Nahan Printing in St. Cloud, and while it wasn’t the dramatic pay increase we were hoping for, it is certainly a step up with lots of room to grow.  Anyway, Sean and I had a heartfelt conversation today about what we need to support our family emotionally, physically, and financially. 

Right now we are able to get away with two jobs and no daycare because of working opposite hours.  His new job is a rotating night shift 7 p.m. to 7 a.m., seven shifts for each 2-week period.  The only way I can keep my job is to either make Sean stay up and watch the kids (after staying up and working 12 hours) or to put them in daycare.    

We’ve made a night shift job work for years, but it always worked best when I was at home full time. I’m having a real hard time in my mind justifying daycare for C. and J. everyday so that I can wash dishes and serve sloppy joes at the local grade school for $9 an hour. 

So I told him some of my ideas about making money using my creative talents, and he asked me if I was ready to fly. 

Tears started forming immediately at the mere reminder that he believes in me and I’m thinking that my lunch lady era is coming to a close so I better get busy writing about it before all the juicy stuff fades.